Montreal truths

• You pronounce it “Muntreal”, not “Mahntreal”.

• You have ever said anything like “I have to stop at the guichet before we get to the dep.”

• Your only concern about jaywalking is getting a ticket.

• You agree that Montréal drivers are crazy, but you’re secretly proud of their nerves of steel.

• The most exciting thing about the South Shore is that you can turn right on a red.

• You know that the West Island is not a separate geographical formation.

• You bring smoked meat from Schwartz’s and bagels from St-Viateur if you’re visiting anyone.

• You refer to Tremblant as “up North.”

• You know how to pronounce Pie-IX.

• You greet everyone, you meet with a two-cheek kiss.

• You’re not impressed with hardwood floors.

• You can watch soft-core porn on broadcast TV, and this has been true for at least 25 years.

• You were drinking café-au-lait before it was latte.

• Shopper’s Drug Mart is Pharmaprix and Staples is Bureau en gros, and PFK is finger lickin’ good.

• You really believe Just For Laughs is an international festival. For two weeks a year.

• Everyone, – drivers, pedestrians, and cyclists – think they’re immortal, and that you’ll move first.

• You think leaving 1:30am is an early night

• You know that Rocket Richard had nothing to do with astrophysics.

• You’ve seen Brother André’s heart.

• No matter how bilingual you are, you still don’t understand “île aux tourtes.”

• You know the difference between the SQ, the SAQ, and the SAAQ.

• You measure temperature and distance in metric, but weight and height in Imperial measure.

• You show up at a party at 11 p.m. and no one else is there yet.

• You know that Montréal is responsible for introducing to North America: bagels, souvlaki, smoked meat.

• You don’t drink pop or soda, you drink soft drinks.

• You have graduated from high school and have a degree, but you’ve never been in grade 12.

• There has to be at least 30 cm of snow on the ground in 24 hours to consider it too snowy to drive.

• You remember where you were during the Ice Storm.

• You’ve been to at least 2 festivals drunk

• You discuss potholes like most people discuss weather.

• “The Futuristic City” is actually Habitat ’67.

• You find it amusing when people from outside Québec compliment you on how good your English is.

• You have yet to understand a single announcement made on the Métro PA system.

• You understand that La Fête Nationale is not a celebration of “Québec’s birthday”

• You don’t find American comedians speaking “gibberish” French even remotely funny.

• You don’t find it weird that there’s a strip club on every corner downtown.

• You know the words to the national anthem in French.

• You often switch from “heat” to “A/C” in the same day.

• You use a down comforter in the summer.

• Your parents drive at 120km/h through 13 feet of snow during a blizzard, without flinching.

• You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them.

• You design your kid’s Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

• Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.

• You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter, and construction.

• You don’t understand anyone from Lac-St-Jean, but you can fake the accent.